humor

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?

He didn't like the casserole and he didn't like my cake,

My biscuits all were very hard, unlike his mother used to make,

I didn't perk the coffee right and he didn't like my stew,

I never mended socks the way his mother used to do,

I pondered for an answer and was looking for a clue,

Then I turned around and smacked him like his mother used to do.

Ask Yourself This:

Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it?

Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try?

How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures?

Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say 'Its all right'? It isn't all right!

Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?

How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?


	We Must Stop This immediately! Have you noticed that Stairs are getting steeper. Groceries are heavier. And, everything is farther away.. Yesterday I walked to the corner and I was dumbfounded to discover how long our street had become! And, you know, people are less considerate now, especially the young ones. They speak in whispers all the time! If you ask them to speak up they just keep repeating themselves, endlessly mouthing the same silent message until they're red in the face! What do they think I am, a lip reader? I also think they are much younger than I was at the same age. On the other hand, people my own age are so much older than I am. I ran into an old friend the other day and she has aged so much that she didn't even recognize me. I got to thinking about the poor dear while I was combing my hair this morning, and in doing so, I glanced at my own refection.........Well, REALLY NOW- even mirrors are not made the way they used to be! Another thing, everyone drives so fast today! You're risking life and limb if you happen to pull onto the freeway in front of them.. All I can say is, their brakes must wear out awfully fast, the way I see them screech and swerve in my rear view mirror. Clothing manufacturers are less civilized these days. Why else would they suddenly start labeling a size 10 or 12 dress as 18 or 20? Do they think no one notices that these things no longer fit around the waist, hips, thighs, and bosom? The people who make bathroom scales are pulling the same prank, but in reverse. Do they think I actually "believe" the number I see on that dial? HA! I would never let myself weigh that much! Just who do these people think they're fooling? I'd like to call up someone in authority to report what's going on -- but the telephone company is in on the conspiracy too: they've printed the phone books in such small type that no one could ever find a number in here! All I can do is pass along this warning: We are under attack! Unless something drastic happens, pretty soon everyone will have to suffer these awful indignities. PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO EVERYONE YOU KNOW AS SOON AS POSSIBLE SO WE CAN GET THIS CONSPIRACY STOPPED!
	It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter? "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winter how can you be so sure?" the Chief asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
	SHOP TOOL DEFINITION LIST..... DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings you across the room, splattering you against that freshly painted part you were drying. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouch...." ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes. VISE-GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a wheel hub you're trying toget the bearing race out of. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters. PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-do off your boot. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of bolts and fuel lines you may have forgotten to disconnect. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle. AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home builder's own tanning booth. Sometimes called drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might beused during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-stylepaper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 70 years ago by someone at Ford, and rounds them off. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats, chrome and plastic parts.
	MY WIFE WANTED A RIDING LAWNMOWER Sooooooooo,...
	NEW 2006 FUEL GAUGE
	Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed arbiter of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose in the other members' private lives. Church members were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence. She made a mistake, however, when she accused George, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She commented to George and others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. George, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny; he said nothing. Later that evening, George quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house... and left it there all night!
	SIMPLE HOME SOLUTIONS Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget ALL about the toothache. Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are: You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.
	Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?" Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.' " The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"
	He didn't like the casserole and he didn't like my cake, My biscuits all were very hard, unlike his mother used to make, I didn't perk the coffee right and he didn't like my stew, I never mended socks the way his mother used to do, I pondered for an answer and was looking for a clue, Then I turned around and smacked him like his mother used to do.

	IF A MAN IS STANDING OUT IN THE WOODS, ALONE, AND HIS WIFE IS NOT THERE TO HEAR HIM..... AND HE SPEAKS........ IS HE STILL WRONG ? ? ?

	Did you hear the one about th' human that was walkin' down the Jungle path, and he meets this Lion..... see.... and th lion sez.... "ROAR ! Who's the king of the Jungle", and the human pulls up his gun and shoots him, and just before the Lion dies, he sez, "Just cause you don't know th' answer, ya didn't hafta get all mad about it".
	"VERY FUNNY SCOTTY, NOW BEAM DOWN MY CLOTHES"

	OUR TOWN IS SO SMALL, THAT OUR IDEA OF HEAVY INDUSTRY IS A 300 POUND AVON LADY AND.... OUR HOLIDAY INN ONLY HAS 4 ROOMS
	PLUMBERS TRUCK.....
	LET'S PUT THE WAL-MART CONSTRUCTION COMPANIES IN CHARGE OF ALL OUR STATE HIGHWAY AND BRIDGE BUILDING PROJECTS, THEY'LL HAVE THAT SUCKER DONE IN TWO WEEKS. HELP WANTED.... WE NEED A PSYCHIATRIST AND A PROCTOLOGIST..... WE'RE GONNA TRY AND GET ALL OUR ODDS AND ENDS STRAIGHTENED OUT.....
	BEWARE ! THERE'S A NEW SERIAL KILLER LURKING OUT THERE..... LARGE NUMBERS OF DOGS ARE BEING KILLED.
	I AM NOT HAPPY... They revoked my mother-in-laws broom license and now I have to drive her everywhere. Bulletin : Our county reports that some thief broke into the County Court House and stole all the commodes from the rest rooms. The Sheriff sez he'd like to be on the case, but he really has nothing to go on. You know that fat guys are on the level, 'Cause th bubble is right in the middle. I'm a Jailhouse singer. Huntin' for the key, and behind a few bars. How do you know it's a banjo player knocking at your door..? The knock gets louder and faster and they don't know when to come in...... Bravery ~ True bravery is arriving home late after a boy's night out, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and still having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?" Back when my mother-in-law was 62 she started walking 3 miles a day. She'd be 74 today and we have no idea where she is.
	This is what you get when you have A. Too much time on your hands B. A knife C. A lime D. A cat E. A camera F. Too much Tequila
	FIRST PICTURES FROM MARS !
	YOU KNOW YOU'RE A BLUEGRASSER IF - - - Your pre-nuptial agreement mentions guitars or banjos Your favorite cologne smells like mosquito repellent... Your last anniversary gift was His and Hers matching lawn chairs with your last name across the back with a felt tip marker. You know that Gibson and Martin have no relationship to Mel and Dean. Your Geo Metro has been modified to hold an Upright Bass. When you see a guy with a nail apron on, you start digging for gate money. When you see a couple of motorhomes on the highway, your car keeps wanting to follow them to a festival. You know that "pick one" has nothing to do with your nose. A night out with the boys means.... an all night pickin' in the back room of the barber shop. Your instrument cost more than you wife's wedding ring. You change the strings on your instrument more often than you change your socks. It's 3:00am and your wife is upset, but you just hafta' pick one more, and one more, and one more. you know that a G string is not just ladies wearing apparel.
	The difference between a fiddle and a violin.... is...... "You can spill beer on a fiddle"
	Several Manufacturers of SUVs recently announced that they had installed aircraft black boxes in the drivers area of New SUV's..... audio from crashed vehicles were found 6 out of 10 times ... to be "HEY, HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS " !
	"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!" Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?" "No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday." And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer." ____________________________________________ BRAND NEW Joe: "Hey Bill I just got this brand new hearing aide and now I can hear perfectly...." Bill: "That's great ! What kind is it"? Joe: "Oh, it's a quarter past three".
	Ask Yourself This: Does a clean house indicate that there is a broken computer in it? Why is it that no matter what color of bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white? Is there ever a day when mattresses are NOT on sale? Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with the hopes that something new to eat will have materialized? Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give their vacuum one more chance? Why is it that no plastic garbage bag will open from the end you first try? How do those dead bugs get into closed light fixtures? Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear? When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say 'Its all right'? It isn't all right! Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed? In winter, why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat? Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers? How come we never hear any father-in-law jokes?
	I have a cousin who ran for Senator..... But, he doesn't do anything now.... He got elected. It got so cold here the other night, that, I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets. We've heard that the new Arkansas Quarters may be recalled by the Govt. . It seems the Duct Tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together, keeps jamming up coin vending machines. I happened to run into my ex-wife the other day... ! Had to jump the curb to do it though. Cop: Sir, you are under arrest for drunken driving, anything you say will be held against you ! Drunk: OK.... Dolly Parton, Reba McIntyre, Loretta Lynn... ummmmm.... Arkansas Cop: I'm sorry sir, I have to give you a ticket for no tail lights. Got any ID ? Driver: 'Bout what ? After a lengthy chase a Cop finally stops a speeding trucker...... Cop: Why did you run from me? I only clocked you at 59 in a 50mph zone, now it's gonna cost you a lot of money. Trucker: Well, about a year ago my wife ran off with a Highway Patrolman. I thought you was him, bringing her back. Question: What do you call a beautiful woman on a Banjo players arm? Answer: A Tatoo !
`	Question: How many bluegrass musicians does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Five, One to change the bulb, and 4 more to complain because it's electric.
	Question: What's the definition of Perfect Pitch? Answer: That's when your girlfriend throws your banjo out the window and it falls three stories and hits a spoon player.
	Question: What's the difference between a Bluegrass Musician and a Pizza? Answer: A Pizza can feed a family of four.
	Question: Mommy, why do I always run in circles? Answer: Hush up, or I'll nail your other shoe to th' floor.
	Question: Hey Fred, how come you got those red dots all over your face? Answer: Well, my new wife is tryin' to teach me to eat with a fork.
	Question: Bill, do you think you'll ever get outta' the 6 th grade? Answer: I dunno', I kinda like it here. Been here three terms already.... Nixon, Bush and Clinton

	PLEASE USE MY FUNNY STORY